Marriage – the evolution in my mind …

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Marriage – the evolution in my mind …

So … while sitting in bed down at Margaret River, having just consumed 2 bottles of the best wine on the planet, my spunk of a fiancee and I decided … what the heck … let’s get married next month.  Better still, let’s get married next month onFebruary 29th, which just happens to be a leap year AND a Monday.  Who does that???  Turns out we do because we ROCK THIS SHIT!  But, let me backtrack.

For 4 years now, on a professional and personal level, I have been watching as other people (including many many of my friends) had one of the most exciting days of their lives.  I have stood on the sidelines and cheered them on at every chance.  I have largely comforted brides as shit just went whack with their plans and they needed someone objective and impartial to scream or cry to.

I have snort cried with couples as they said their vows and those walls came tumbling down and I have done a little happy dance when they walked away smiling like crazy people as I just pronounced them “husband and wife”.  Now it would seem, it was my turn.

Those who know me well, know that I have remained cautious and wary of this thing called marriage.  This has a large part to do with being a  child of a broken marriage (twice) and watching other relationships around me disintegrate and me not having had a clue that things were on the rocks.  What I saw was people being flippant with their hearts and launching into marriage without a care and the lawyer in me thought … shit people …have you done your due diligence.  Are you sure this is for YOU.  Aren’t you terrified about all the what ifs???  COME ON!  Don’t be whack!

It would seem I had been adamant that despite “LOVING LOVE” and loving being part of other people’s unbelievable happiness on their big days, the concept of a BIG day for me was not at all high on the list of priorities.  In fact, I would have to say it was somewhere between learning how to crochet and watching paint dry.  Somewhere in there!

I had never felt the need to “get married” and I often marvelled at my couples at how sure they were that this event was something they were destined to do.  I wondered why I didn’t feel that.  I even worried sometimes if I was defective (I’m not don’t worry).  I had just never seen myself having that day and if being really honest, it scared the hell out of me for 2 reasons.  One … I am the type of girl who truly detests the limelight and the focus being on me.  It’s pressureville and I go to great lengths to avoid that.  Two … How do you know it will last?  I have been the girl who was engaged and excitedly shouted it to anyone who would listen and then had my heart crapped on by a mother trucker and felt the shame and embarrassment that came with breaking it all off and starting over. I just couldn’t fathom getting married without that level of certainty that it would be a “forever and ever happily ever after thing”.   Surely people felt that because that’s why they got married right???  RIGHT????  What if it didn’t work?  What if we stared hating each other?  What if I had two not so great marriages like my mom???  WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF????

But then there was my Douglas.  This man, who had in the space of a year and a half, changed my soul.  He’s the kind of man other lasses wish they could find.  The kind of man who doesn’t know any other way than being a genuinely good person with a heart the size of Africa.  The kind of man who makes you realise that being someone’s sidekick and acknowledging that officially, ain’t such a bad thing after all.  I look at Doug and realise that all the things I am so fearful of about marriage, actually don’t matter at all.  I was just making excuses for the sake of making excuses.  I look at him and realise that nothing would make me feel more honoured than being his wife.

I think at times like that the feminist in me screams out at the notion, but I quickly bitch slap her down and remind her that my heart and mind are happy, so she should be too!  This isn’t a political statement I am making and at the end of the day, no one cares whether Doug and I get married or not. It’s not on anyone’s list of top 10 things that will change their  world.   However, I realised that I do care very much; I do and I am proud to say it.

All those things I was telling myself and the feelings I thought I should feel when realising hey I want to get married were, for lack of a better term, utter bullshit.  I realised that no one knows what’s going to happen in 10 years time, 5 months time, TOMORROW!  Who knows if Doug and I will last and that’s not an indication that I am hedging my bets it won’t, it’s just being honest.  For me, there is no happily ever after forever and ever thing.  I am simply no longer willing to put off doing those things that make me feel awesome simply because I am scared of the worst happening.  I want to be his wife and to make those beautiful memories for better or worse.  For me, that’s a huge step and if there was some kind of 12 step program for over worriers/over analyzers like me, I just FUCKIN NAILED the 12th step right there.

See, at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with you if you decide hey, marriage is not for me and my partner.  It’s an officialness that we just don’t need.  Everyone is unique and has their own plan and that’s the beauty of it.  No one is forcing you to do or not do anything*.  Go forth and love just as you are and make sure you celebrate you decision in every way you can.  Equally though, if marriage is the dance you want to do, then somehow, make sure you ROCK IT OUT!  This is your day and whatever way you want to do it, is what you should do.  I beg of you peeps, have the moment you want because the little shit just doesn’t matter.

So, it would seem that I was a marriage convert.  I now had that deep appreciation of why my couples smile so bright on their days and when I think about my upcoming marriage to the man who compliments me in every sense of the word, I get unbelievably excited.  I can’t wait to walk towards him on that Monday night and to tell him everything that’s in my heart.  What a flippin mush head.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.

Xx D

*I mention my same sex friends here and all those couples out there in Australia who currently don’t have this basic right.  You should know that my stance on this is short and sweet, the Marriage Act as it currently stands in relation to WHO can marry is absolute  bullshit.  I cannot fathom the fact that love is not valued more highly.  It is my never ending wish that this changes in the very near future so that all couples have this opportunity because it can be so darn beautiful. 

Dilhari Mahiepala

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